(Warning: Mothers and ex-husbands shouldn’t read this. Thanks.)
As a society, we are constantly discouraged from the concept of never.
“Never say Never!”
“Never is a long time!”
“Anything can happen!”
My trip to Walt Disney World was beautiful and bittersweet. And it was harder than I thought. I had been there with BvP so many times. We had experienced every attraction and every show. We knew where the fun parts were and where all the quiet nooks were.
And I will never be there with him again.
When you attend a funeral of a loved one, it’s easier to believe the never. And if you have a strong belief in a spiritual afterlife, you can even alleviate that instance of never because you know you’ll be reunited with your loved one someday. But it’s damn hard to associate never with someone who is hale and healthy and lives only a few miles away.
There were places in WDW where I literally had to stop walking…the pain was too crippling. I will never break a pretzel bread in half with him again at Le Cellier. The girl crying outside Epcot’s Canada on Saturday? That was me. We will never watch the lights sparkle in the trees as we share an evening soda at Downtown Disney again. The girl crying at Wolfgang Puck Express on Sunday night? Me.
Those were the things I managed to do. There were many things I couldn’t do. I couldn’t look at the collectible pin carts. I couldn’t listen to the monorail spiel about ‘Ohana at the Polynesian. I couldn’t enter Tomorrowland or Adventureland. Memories that were pleasant when shared have become painful alone.
I’m lucky Mom was with me. I did a lot of talking and she did a lot of listening. I had a fantastic time, but in many ways, this trip was a funeral for a 11-year-long relationship that died far before its time.
I can accept that fact that we are over. It’s the wrapping the brain around the nevers that’s proving difficult.
I usually close comments on these posts, because I don’t want you to think I’m fishing for “you go girl!” compliments. This time I’m leaving them open because I truly want to know how you’ve dealt with never in your lives. If you’ve been lurking and never commented before, I welcome you to do so.