Black Friday’s marathon ended around 6pm, and we had a lovely dinner at the Macaroni Grill with John and Kristen. Even though I didn’t go for any of the early-morning offers, I put a sizable dent into my shopping list this year, and even purchased America’s Saddest Christmas Tree, which is now assembled and mostly ornament-less.
The rest of the weekend I hid away here in the apartment, cleaning, reading, and being lazy. I’m up now because of a very decadent but poorly-timed afternoon nap.
And because my mind isn’t quiet.
The toughest part about this divorce (for me) is that, as time passes, I have less and less of a chance of finding out What Went Wrong. There was never any blatant wrongdoing – nothing that monumental as to shake things up so badly. We had plans for the immediate and far future. We were supposed to go to Disney in April and renew our vows for our 10th Anniversary. We were supposed to have a kid named either Audrey or Brandon*. We were supposed to someday get a house at the shore. We were supposed to have a boat and name it “LadyGypsy.” We were supposed to Gettysburg. We were supposed to go back to New York City and make up for a past trip that went poorly.
I feel like I took a test and failed, but when I get the test paper back, there’s nothing marked wrong so I don’t know where I screwed up. And how can I be confident about getting into any future relationships if I have no idea how I mussed up the first one?
I have to be okay with the answer being: there is no answer. I need to put the “whys” to bed and find peace with that.
Webkeeping note: Someone asked me why I turn comments off on some posts. I turn comments off of these type of posts because I don’t want you all to have to post “you’ll be fine! you’re great!” comments to try and make me feel better. I know I’ll heal. I’m not the first divorced woman in the world and I won’t be the last. This doesn’t make me special in any way. But writing this heavy stuff down makes me feel better. Speaking of well-wishes and happy thoughts, I have over 175 unread non-spam emails in my gmail box. Apologies if any of them are yours. I’ll get to it.
*Both names have been retired from my ‘list.’ Audrey will live forever as a Turberville in my mind.