I’m here at work. Staying a bit late so I can watch a script run while also updating the HTML on our employee handbooks. (You envy me…I know you do!) So I figure I can take a few moments to blog.
This is BvP’s weekend to work (overnights, no less) so this weekend I’m left to my own devices. Tomorrow is a party at my cousin’s house for two of my cousins’ kids. (I have 2 female cousins on Mom’s side. Both have 3 kids. Kids range in age from 5 to 20. Tomorrow’s party is for one cousin’s boy, who will be 15, and the other cousin’s girl, who will be 11. There is no easy way to write that and keep my apostrophes straight.)
The boy was easy to take care of. I still have to buy something for the girl. But I have no idea what to buy and —
Me: What the hell are you?
Thing: Your left ovary.
Me: Ew! I mean…ow! You shouldn’t be out! How did you DO that?
LO: That doesn’t matter. We need to talk to you. Right would have come too..but she’s busy. It’s her month to work.
Me: I…I see. My God…I think I’m going to be sick.
LO: We heard what you typed. Do you realize your cousins, who are nearly the same age as you are…have 6 kids between them?
Me: (furiously looking for bleeding holes in her torso) Well…yeah! Duh!
LO: And do you realize that you’ll be 33 soon? Do you know what that means?
Me: (brightly) Yeah! 33 is a hard six. Pays nine to one.
LO: (frustrated) You need to get on the stick, lady! Right and me, we’ve been doing our job dutifully for almost eighteen years now.
Me: What was with the late start, anyway? I was the laughing stock of my girlfriends.
LO: We slept in. Anyways, Right and me have been doing our job just fine. And we don’t want all our efforts to go to waste, you see?
Me: (teeth clenched) I AM at work, you know. And you’re really making a mess here. This isn’t even my desk. It’s Coworker S’s desk.
LO: Where’s she?
Me: (sighs) Out waiting to have her baby.
LO: And she’s how old?
Me: Younger than I am.
LO: So what’s the holdup? Money?
Me: Nah. That’s good.
Me: Nah. We have the cats’ room.
LO: Lady, cats shouldn’t have their own room. Did you notice that little gray present we sent you on Wednesday?
Me: You know what?? I’m not listening to you anymore, okay? I have time left. LOTS of time. You two still have at least 7 good years left. This conversation is over. Look! My script ran!
LO: Time’s ticking, lady…that’s all I’m sayin..
Me: (fingers in ears) La! la! La la la la!!!